How to Move On?

*NOTE* I know I said I'd do reviews of all Oiler games, but I quickly realized I can't even see all Oiler games due to my work schedule - so there's little hope of that. I'll try to most more often though...

I've discovered quickly over the last month or so that there are no easy answers for surviving the break up of a 4 year relationship. Give it time - Give it time - Give it time. That's all you can tell yourself and that's all others can tell you. I suppose it's natural, that's the same way people handle death and in a way this is a very similar occurance. Someone who is as close or closer than family no longer being in your life that way... except in this case it's by choice, so that makes it quite different. Plus at least you know they're still living. OK I guess I was getting a little morbid there. But it sucks basically - I think you get my point.

Regardless, there's a great instinct to want to fill that void somehow. How many people do you know who instantly fall into soem kind of rebound fling? Maybe not one fling, maybe a string of physical encounters or maybe someone to emotionally fill that void left in your life. I know I sit here sometimes and think about all the time I spent on the phone with Amy while living here. Talking about just my every day life... and lets face it, I know a lot of my friends care about me, but few of you are going to talk to me every day to that kind of depth. There's just no way in hell it'd be that interesting. The things you talk to a girlfriend about, especially one who also is your best friend, I mean it's everything. What did I have for dinner, you know, that kind of detail. It's weird to have no one to share those little intimate details with. Of course ultimately you can pretend that it's those conversations you miss - but it's the person you miss. So I could search out someone to try and fill that void. Whether they be a friend I have, several friends, some new girl - try to throw them into that role. But I know that's not going to work.

I remember when I first started dating Michelle - she was my first girlfriend back at the end of high school. She had just come off a 2-3 year relationship at the time. Like within a couple of weeks at most. While I had no idea at the time, she basically put me in his place. Suddenly she was telling me the most intimate details of her life... she was coming to me for support in dealing with her family... she even told me she loved me after a mere few weeks. But it fell appart, and how many times have you guys heard of similar things just leading to someone if not both people being hurt?

I don't know how long it's going to be before I could truthfully welcome someone new into my life. Probably a lot longer than I even realize. You can't replace someone who was your partner for nearly 4 years - but if I started dating someone today, I bet I'd at least subconciously be trying to do that. Yet it's not me I have to worry about in that situation - it's them. Nobody should be used like that, and there's almost no hope for the person in that position.
And it wouldn't be good for me either. I'm not really going to heal if I just try to fill the void losing Amy has left in my life. I'm not going to heal if I try to replace her. I don't know when I'm really going to be ready to move on - but I DO know that I will never be if I don't give myself the time and space I need. Frankly, I owe it to whomever it is that I date next. I owe it to them so that when I start something new, I start it on the right foot. Slowly, getting to know them bit by bit, instead of rushing into something serious that the situation doesn't warrant.
But it's easy to say that and sometimes harder to do. I bet I'd feel so much better if I could just try and replace the sadness and the lonliness with something or someone new - but that NEVER works.

Sorry for rambling - I had to. I think I'm going to do it more often. I've been keeping way too much too myself during this whole experience. Trying to grieve and accept the end while ignoring my feelings or just simply not expressing them. It's easy enough for me to get up every day, go to work, go home, sometimes go out, sometimes not, and just pretend like I'm 100% cool. Hey, I'm better today than I was at the start and I'll slowly keep getting better... but you know I'm starting to think it's really important and really valuable to have a place to vent. So I don't really care anymore about how it makes me look or what anyone thinks. Now if I feel like venting - I'm going to. If that's depressing or boring, click to the next entry! :)

On a positive note - I have a lot of friends who have been there for me and have left the door open for me. I appreciate that. But you know - while I may use LJ to vent - I think what I need more than anything from friends these days is a nice distraction from my own thoughts. They're my enemy ;)

Work is going well btw. I'm FINALLY off weekend mornings. I now work 10:30 to 6:30 on Sat and Sun, meaning the rest of my week doesn't fuck up my weekends and vice-versa. Plus I get a chance to do some stuff with the spots talk show we have. I also got some great compliments from my General Manager recently, and one from a fellow newscaster. So professionally things are going very well.

I had a nice visit down to Toronto to see my friend Sarah and new friend Andrea and their boyfriends/friends. It was nice to get out to a bar - see some live music - just hang out. I don't get to do that enough these days. Also had a couple nice hang outs with Jamie, Owen and Heather up here. I realized I've somewhat neglected developping my social life in Owen Sound. While this is a quite difficult thing to do in general, it's even harder when you aren't giving it the attention it requires! So now I will. They're good people, Jenn and her husband Sam are good people - there are some good people here. Some other co-workers of mine too, including my boss, lots of friendly good people. But even in almost a year here you realize it takes a long time to figure out who you really click with. I miss that sure feeling I have with my friends back in Ottawa who I can be so comfortable with and just know those friendships work. Still, I've got to keep working at it and putting in time and effort.

In conclusion - I'm not going to replace Amy. Even if/when I end up with someone new, it's not going to replace her anyway. That never works, I know it doesn't, so I'm not even going to try. Hopefully continuing to come to that realization will help me get to the point where I can ultimately accept what has happened and continue building my life here.