What to be sorry for

I heard another friend mentioning this... that they were going to work on not apologizing as much. Interesting resolution now that we're in the new year. My first reaction to that was thinking, "how could that be a flaw?" Still it got me to thinking about my own life in the last year and even further back. 2007 has been a strange year for me and I'm not sure I ever really got my footing after moving. Yet whenever things have gone the wrong way for me I've found myself apologizing in one form or another. I'm almost always conciliatory even if I don't feel like I have to be.

I'd say first of all that if I say "I'm sorry" it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm saying "everything was my fault" or "I was totally wrong" in every context. But I think that's the message it sends out. You make a gesture like that and you're on the defensive.

Sometimes we all have things to apologize for. This isn't to say that I or anyone else should never say I'm sorry... but if you often say it, does it lose meaning? If I apologized constantly, how much would it mean when I said I was sorry after I'd really hurt somebody or really done something wrong. Any word can lose meaning when over used. Like when someone calls everyone their best friend the term won't be taken seriously anymore. If you tell a girl you love her after 2 weeks, how much does it mean when you say it a year later when you really did fall in love?

The other thing is that apology is often seen as a sign of weakness. I like to think I have a pretty strong will when I'm comfortable with someone. My friends and family who know me best would probably say I was stubborn to a fault. If I think my parents are wrong about something I'll hold firm until the bitter end. If I think my best friends are wrong about something, I'll stand my ground. When it comes to a new friend or someone new that I'm dating, or maybe a boss I'm not comfortable with yet... as soon as I'm confronted, my instinct is to try and smooth things over. You're in a new place and not as confident in your surroundings so you don't want to rock the boat, right? Better to keep things comfortable and relaxed and happy. So what happens? The apology comes out, I try to find common ground, maybe get a little defensive... but that stubborn side of me doesn't come out as much. Your respect can disappear pretty fast!

I don't know why I'm so quick to take blame for things with new people. Nobody likes confrontation and everyone would love if life were smooth sailing, but it's a slippery slope. Take the fall for every little thing that happens and suddenly you have no legs to stand on anymore. Respect is important and if you're unwilling to firmly stand up for yourself than your respect is going to be on crutches.

I think it's taken me a while to realize that apologizing isn't the quick fix that I like to think it is. Often if someone is upset with you it's not always because you are fully to blame. Usually it's a mixture of what you did and what they did, or how they are... how they reacted. I've had a boss get mad at me before because he forgot to schedule me for something and I didn't call to check if the schedule had changed even though it was never my responsibility to do that. In that case he made an obvious mistake, but because I was new I found myself apologizing and regretting it instantly. Anger and frustration is not always rational, and if you buckle to it every time someone you respect or care about is upset at you... suddenly you just look like a desperate guy trying to cling on to something that isn't there. You justify every instinct that the person who was upset with you may have had.

We're funny people that way. Human interaction is a bitch. The "simple"or easy answer almost never works out the way you think it would. That's why we should all apologize less. If you think just saying "I'm sorry" will make something blow over you're usually wrong. Even if it did, wouldn't that mask whatever the problem was in the first place? I know in my case I'm never trying to upset someone or fuck with people. I think if anything I'm a pretty damn considerate guy who often goes out of his way for friends and family. If I'm a pretty good person who tries to do the right thing as much as I can, what the hell am I apologizing so much for in my life?

Confidence is what it's all about. Have faith in the person that you are and your ability to make the right decision. If you don't respect or stand by the person that you are, who will? I don't think there's something inherently wrong with me (lots of little things sure) but the amount I'm willing to apologize for you'd think I was a giant fuck up. The funny thing is that it's not because I'm _not_ confident, but because I just want things to be comfortable. The harder you try to force things to be comfortable, the more uncomfortable they get. Like if you adjust your ass in a chair so much that eventually you've got burn marks on your cheeks.

I'm not going to stop being considerate or going out of my way for people. I'm not planning to start behaving like my opinion is the only one that matters. That's just not how I am. But anytime I get that instinct to blurt out "I'm sorry" I'm going to try to think twice. We'll see how that goes.

That and I need to eat better and start going to the gym.

May I can keep 1 out of 3 of those resolutions. If I don't... well I'm not sorry!