The Asshole Theory

(As in, why do assholes get girls)

When my friends and I were in high school we weren't exactly lady killers. I remember Nick and I particularly spent hours on end bitching and moaning about how we never had girlfriends. I can say this now because Nick is basically married so I'm sure the bitterness has subsided for him ;) But I remember the key to those bitch sessions was often how all the hottest girls dated such assholes. What did these fucking assholes have that we didn't have? They treated the girls like shit, and that just made them want those guys more. I think shaking our heads and saying "women suck" was probably close to 40% of our conversations sometimes.

Mind you our situation may have been helped by actually, you know, talking to girls sometimes. Kind of hard to get a date if you never say a word to them. Maybe smoke signals would've worked.

That being said, those asshole sure did get lot women. As soon as they were done treating one like shit, the next one came along. All us meek nice guys were good for was occasionally being the person they complain to about the asshole. You know, "I just wish I could meet a nice guy that would treat me with respect." Hey! That's me! If I just keep sitting here and listening to her bitch she'll surely realize that I am in fact the VERY THING that she's looking for!!! Sweet deal. Except as we all know, they'd eventually just make up with the asshole or find a new one. I believe this particular scenario has been the basis for a pretty decent number of sexy teen comedy romps on the big screen. In the movies the nice guy gets some balls, tells off the asshole and wins the hart of the "ugly" girl who gets a makeover and is actually super hot.

In real life I had horrible acne and didn't get a date until I was 16 and met a girl online that dumped me the day after we first kissed. But I digress...

THE THEORY

So what is the asshole theory? Why do those no good assholes get the girl? Here's what we came up with.

If an asshole is nice to you, you're special. This guy is a total prick to almost everyone. He puts people down, he gets in fights, he's rude to the teacher... but he tells you that you're beautiful. He trips the guy in the hallway, but he opens doors for you and carries your bag. You must be pretty special if such an asshole could be so nice to you. At least, he must think you're special. Clearly he'll be different with you because you are so special to him, you bring out a different side of him, and you'll change him.

A nice guy is always a nice guy. He's not just nice to you, he's nice to pretty much everyone. If he compliments you it doesn't mean much, because he would say nice things to anyone. If he opens the doors for you or will help you with your homework that's nice, but he'd do that for anyone. He's not a challenge, he doesn't make you feel special or different.

That was our theory in a nutshell. An asshole makes someone feel like they broke through to someone. They are DIFFERENT. Sure, the asshole might have cheated on his past four girlfriends, but you should hear the way he talks to me. He'd never do that to me! A nice guy is great, but so what? What about him being nice to you makes you feel better or different than anyone else?

It's pretty simplistic. Obviously nobody is going to think to this type of thing to themselves. I think our suggestion would've been that people are obviously doing this subconsciously. I mean I can't imagine too many people say "oh I just like assholes better." However, shockingly it does happen! A girl I dated briefly told me that straight up when we broke up. I was not enough of an asshole for her. Don't that beat all?

I think I can look back to high school and make some obvious additions to the asshole theory. For one, an asshole is confident while a nice guy often isn't as much. We all know how much of a difference confidence can make. Especially outwards confidence. What's the difference? I'm talking about like walking tall, no awkward pauses or tics, talking to whomever you want and saying whatever you want... I mean often those people deep down are pretty shallow and hate themselves, but the appearance of confidence is powerful. Hell, at the very least they talk to more women and odds are eventually that'll work. I know in my case my strongest confidence is more internal. I believe intensely in who I am and what kind of a person I am. However, I don't walk and talk with that kind of calm or cocky swagger.

Another addition? You have to work harder to get the asshole, or win him. We instinctively seem to feel that the harder you have to work to get something, the better it will be. Isn't that horse shit though? I mean I'd have to work like a bitch to make wine myself, but I guarantee you it wouldn't taste as good as wine someone else made! It would be way more work owning a shitty 89 Civic that broke down constantly, but I guarantee it'd be better to have my own brand new car that worked like a charm the entire time I owned it. Sure when you're young it's very satisfying to fix that shitty old car up... and when it starts running again, what an awesome feeling. But even when you get it to work, it still sucks. That's why when you grow up you buy the new car.

Regardless, often the attitude is that if something comes easy it's not worth getting. There are reasons for that of course. Truthfully, if someone basically falls in love with any girl he meets he'll reek of desperation. I know whenever I used to meet a new girl (I'm talking at like 18/19) I used to picture a whole life together right away. In my head, we date 4 years, get married, have the kids and the nice house... oh we got a cottage... the details varied depending on the girl. Obviously not healthy, and it changed the normal way I'd behave into someone far more clingy. Not every girl that gave me the time of day was worth groveling over. What I learned back then from my friend Sarah is that you shouldn't even bother with someone unless they give you butterflies. Anyway, I still think desperate is better than asshole, but that's not how people's instincts react.

So to summarize: Assholes get more girls because an asshole being nice makes you feel special, they're more of a challenge and they're more confident.

But that was just a high school thing, right? As Charlie Murphy would say... "WRONG! WRONG!" Of course not. How many people do you know that keep going back to the some asshole no matter how many times they say they wont? Those same elements from high school still apply in adult life. I do understand it to a point. I know I've done the same thing. A woman is fucking rotten to me and for some reason I'm hooked and keep trying to win her back... so I do understand. However, where does it all lead?

How many times have you heard stories about divorces that started with an obvious case of the asshole theory? Hell, some of these guys and girls might shape up some if they weren't able to get always get away with and find someone new who will put up with their shit. Those assholes get married, they have kids, and guess what? In 20 years they're still fucking assholes. By the time some people realize they can't take this asshole anymore and they really should've given the nice guy a chance, their lives are all ready half over and they're stuck with that person being in their lives forever... divorce or not.

I know it's appealing... I know that! The asshole is powerful my friends. But we must overcome!

As for me, I'm told I can learn lessons from the success of the asshole. If you just act like MORE of an asshole, even if you have to force it, you'll get more women to stick around. When she calls, ignore her sometimes. When she asks you for something, don't do it. Tell her that outfit doesn't really suit her or you liked her hair better long. Be less available, care less, it's a sure fire success strategy.

Fuck that though. Whenever another attempt with women fails I always get analytical. Often I come to this exact same point. If only I could be different it would've worked...

But I'm not!

I'm one of those nice guys. I'll keep giving you all the chances in the world to take me for granted. I'll keep getting left behind or hurt by people that I think are really starting to like me. I'll keep being available to someone whenever they need me even though they'd probably bail on me when I need them. You know what I feel like I've become? The person that people are drawn to when they're feeling down... I do my best to lift them up, but I'm not the person they stick around with for the good times.

However, when they screw it up and let me down... they're the ones who lose. Nice guys like me are often great catches. I am a good guy with a great family, a career, I think pretty good looking, in decent shape, smart, easy to talk to... We're the brand new car that'll ride great for 10 years. If you turn us in for the 77 Mustang that won't even drive you to work, your loss. Someday a woman with her head on straight will love those qualities and they'll get to spend their life with someone who treats them with respect and dignity. Someone who cares as much about how good sex was for the you as it was for themselves. Someone who wants badly to participate in their future kids lives and be there for every important moment. Someone who will get you a surprise gift that they know you'd like out of no where just because they were listening to you. Someone who'd never leave you wondering if they cared about you, but instead made sure you knew how much every day just by the way they look at you... even when they're fucking grumpy and pissed off.

I know someone will because a good woman did for four years. We weren't ultimately right for each other, but it wasn't for any of these reasons. I know someone will because my parents are both awesome people who found each other and make it work every day. There are good examples every day of people who stay true to themselves and find love.

Every guy has his flaws, and I know I have many, but I'm not changing my stripes no matter how many times I strike out.

Fuck them, I'm fine. They can call me when they grow up.