Why I'm Here

An old friend of mine from middle school commented on my facebook profile picture yesterday. It's a picture of me broadcasting a hockey game. I'm going to re-post what he said here:

"Dude it's your dream! your DREAM !!!!!!! Remember from Grade 6? I'm so impressed"

I need to remember that. Not that I'm totally depressed about life here, but I get bored. It's evident enough by the fact that whenever I post or talk to people from home it comes up that I'm sick of my miniscule social life.

Well it's good to be reminded why I packed everything up and moved here. I've wanted to call hockey games since I can remember. It was my dream and I am getting to do it. How many people can say that? So in return for doing that I have to spend most nights alone... ok. I could be at home working in a government office. For me, that would be just as bad or worse. At least with the situation I'm in now I know that in time things will change, and when they do, I'll have built up experience in a job I love. Even if I don't get to do it for the rest of my career, I can say that I took the chance to follow my dream.

That's worth some alone time.

As soon as I get right with that reality, the more I'll be able to find more things to do and people to hang out with. Lets face it, if you're not confident and you're pushing it... well it's like hockey. If you're trying too hard to score, gripping that stick too tight, you're never going to get it. Once you just start playing your game and not worrying about the goals, that's when they start to happen.

The problem is it's really hard to lighten up... so it's great when someone helps take that weight off even if they didn't realize they were.

P.S. --- I don't HATE Castlegar or the Kootenays. It's gorgeous here. There's lots of great people. I respect so many people I've met through work and in other places. The problems I have here are more about the schedule I work and finding people to hang out with outside work. I could very much see me making a life for myself in BC. In a small town? Less likely, but still possible. It's more circumstances combined with my own stuff. Plus you know, fewer people around doesn't help all that.

Just stop trying so hard

I've been thinking today about my dating history. It kind of proves one of those old sayings. If you want something too much you're not going to get it.

I consider myself a relationship guy. So how many have I had? I've dated a lot of people but only one person has been with me for longer than at most a couple of months. Usually it's just a few weeks. I don't know the exact number of people I've _started_ dating but honestly Amy is probably the only one that I would say lasted. I'm hovering at about like 5% here.

I don't blame anyone I've gone out with really. Either you want to be with someone or you don't. It's no one's fault and no one should feel guilty for how they feel.

I deny all the time that I am actively looking for or wanting a relationship, but what's the point in lying anymore? Ultimately when I'm out there dating people, meeting people, I hope that if I'm attracted and interested in someone that it turns into a relationship. I don't want someone to be my girlfriend the moment I meet and am interested in them. I'm not planning the marriage after two dates. However, I just don't like or want to date around. It's not me and it's not what I feel comfortable doing.

In my last couple of months in Owen Sound and since I've come to Castlegar I've had more first dates than I ever imagined having. I actually like first dates usually. It's almost impossible to have nothing to talk about on a first date. I mean if you think about it there's an entire life of topics to discuss. You must have enough good stories for a couple of hours, right? So that's fun enough I guess. I just can't enjoy it. I don't enjoy going to bars and trying to meet someone. I think I could have a decent conversation with anyone, but I've never ever felt comfortable just walking up to some person for no reason and talking to them just becuase they look good.

Basically the whole single life thing, I don't like it. I'm not even bad at it per say. I get dates, I've had some more casual relationships or whatever you want to call people who aren't your girlfriend. I know enough guys who would love if that's how things were for them. No commitment, have some fun with people hang out here and there and move on. Plus when you don't really care that much, you don't reek of it and I think it makes you more desirable. You know, there's a little more of a chase.

I'm bored with it.

I don't want a wife or anything, but it'd be nice to be secure enough in something. That you wern't always wondering about the next move and what something means. I admit I analyze stuff too much as it is. There's just a nice bit of emotional security in knowing you have someone you can count on that way. At least for however long it lasts.

But here's the thing that I think is happening with me. I think my interest in finding a steady relationship is bleeding through everything I do or say. I try not to _say_ things that would be construed as pushing someone or being too intense or serious. That's not all there is to it though. I'm an open book, at least so I've been told. If something is bothering me or I'm feeling something I'm not even remotely good at hiding it. So I think I'm giving off that vibe to people.

The other aspect of things here is that I have so little social life that if I'm not working I'm almost always available. I guess I could try to hide it, but the bottom line is that it's not like I have trouble fitting someone in to my little black book. "Gee Shawn, do you have time for me this week?" "I dunno babe, maybe let me take a look... I dunno on Sunday I was planning on staying in my appartment playing video games. Not sure I can fit you in."

I mean I don't do anything. I work until 11 all week and am often at hockey games on weekends. Even when I have days off I rarely have any plans. The people I hung out with in the spring and summer I hardly ever hang out with now. The only male friends I have in pretty much the entire region are work related friends with different lives and schedules.

So here's the deal... if someone offers me a glimpse of a social life, and they are interesting and I have a good time, I'm gripping onto it with both hands. I'm not trying to, but I think it's obvious enough that I am.

When I talk to friends about it they usually blame the girls or say "ah it's just the wrong person, they wern't right for you" or it's just the situation or whatever. Ultimately I have to look in the mirror and ask if I'm living a groundhog day, there's only one person who is in the story each time.

Still I am who I am. Do you pretend to not care? Do you pretend to have plans when you don't? Do you act like you're only somewhat interested and sometimes blow a person off? I don't play games and I am not interested in pretending to be somewhat I'm not.

Recently on facebook I got an honesty box message that said:

"JUst stop trying so hard and what u want will come 2 u when you least expect it!"

Seems logical right? You'll find what you want when you least expect it. Don't try so hard, don't overthink things, just take it easy and relax.

It's fine to say it, but how do you do it when you've never done it. I've been hearing the same messages for most of my life but things never change.

I'm not comfortable these days and I'm not sure how to change that.